


Mistakes and Replacements

by nitohkousuke



Category: Kamen Rider Drive
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitohkousuke/pseuds/nitohkousuke
Summary: Post Mach/Heart VcinemaGou didn't mean to hurt her. He didn't mean for it to be like this. He'd thought he'd moved on.But the words had come out of his lips before he meant to.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I love Reiko but also I refuse to acknowledge Gou/Reiko as canon come fight me.
> 
> Ethan is Gou's friend in America who was killed by Roidmudes. Heavily implied that he was dating Gou.
> 
> I KNOW THE SUBS ARENT EVEN OUT. THE MOVIE HAS BEEN OUT FOR A DAY. I'm fueled by rage.
> 
> I'll write something happier to continue eventually.

This isn't what butterflies felt like. The butterflies he had with Ethan were light and fluttery and nauseous in the way that too much ice cream felt. Like he really shouldn't but it wouldn't stop him. Not like the one's he's had for Chase and Shinnnosuke. The ones that were the same sort but heavier and desperate and needy.

 

These are heavier. Wings that have sharp edges that tear at his being the more he desperately tries to keep them going. Every touch. Every laugh. Every moment of hand-holding. Every kiss. Everything isn't.....it isn't right.

 

It's just because this is the first real crush he's had. That's what he tries to tell himself. That Ethan and Chase and Shin-Nii-san weren't real feelings. Were fleeting and superficial.

 

That all he really felt in the end is friendship.

 

But friendship isn't making out against walls. It isn't fucking and saying I love you and taking it back over and over again. It isn't someone dying in your arms as you scream. It isn't pledging your life to bring them back. It isn't seeing them in your dreams and nightmares and refusing therapy. Refusing medication because even if it means barely sleeping...it's still seeing his face. Hearing his voice. Friendship isn't making sure Reiko isn't around when he jacks off to the memories of Chase. Friendship isn't hiding the fact that he wanted to tell Chase that he loved him. That he dreams sometimes of it.

 

Friendship isn't-

 

“Chase! Oh god, I-” Gou grips the mattress hard not even thinking about the words coming from his mouth. He doesn't even process it when the small delicate hands push him off of their owner.

 

“.....He really was your boyfriend wasn't he.” Reiko moves to the side of the bed, holding the pillow close. And Gou tries to scramble, but the butterflies in his stomach are like knives and he wonders if they've really ever been butterflies.

 

Did he really confused anxiety and desperation for affection?

 

“.....Chase is.....” Gou sighs and puts his head in his hands. He tries to clear his head. Tries to stop the overwhelming feeling of guilt several times over and he idly thinks about what Reiko said.

 

Monsters.

 

Wasn't that what he was? A selfish monster hurting other people to get what he wanted?

 

“....Gou...” Reiko puts her hand on Gou's shoulder, giving him a look. “I think we should break up.”

 

And it hurts. It hurts because he'll be alone again. Because Shin-Nii-san has Nee-Chan and he's alone. It's not like he can't sleep with people. It's not that he doesn't have relationships that are important. It's not that Shin-Nii-San and Nee-Chan wouldn't be totally cool with him joining them. Wouldn't be totally cool with including him in things even if people asked questions. And it wasn't like Reiko was going to completely remove him from her life. They were friends even if they fucked up.

 

“Don't leave me alone....” Gou cries into his hands and he feels like Chase is dying in his arms all over again. Chase is disappearing all over again. Chase is possessing Kanno speaking to him again. Heart is revived instead of him all over again. It's every almost. Every not quite. It's his entire life pouring from his heart through his eyes into his hands and onto the floor. His stomach twists hard.

 

Reiko reaches for his arms and Gou jerks it back quickly. The scars are old now. Old enough that they're before Reiko was in his life. Old enough that she might not even notice. Might not even figure out. But that last time he was vulnerable in a room crying and someone reached for him. The last few times they saw the marks and they gave him that look of pity and concern.

 

She'd give him that look anyway. Because he's a mess.

 

“.....You can't always smile and yell to make people think that nothing is wrong. You can't keep running, Gou...You can't use me as a replacement while you wait for him to come back....if he does” And before she can continue, he jerks his head up and leans close, eyes wide and face full of the anger that reminds her so much of when she twisted his feelings for her own use.

 

“CHASE IS COMING BACK. I'M GOING TO BRING HIM BACK. THERE IS NO FUCKING IF.” He's shaking. Tears converted immediately to rage. To anger. To the feeling that burns and engulfs and consumes his entire person. Gou bites his lip and looks away, mumbling a sorry as he drops his hands, that he'd realized he grabbed her shoulders with.

 

And he cries louder into his hands because he's no better than his father, hurting everyone around him.

“....Gou. I'm sorry.” Reiko sighs, putting her clothes on and heading out the door before he can even really process her words. Before he can realize that he's fucked up again. He thinks idly of the girlfriend he had after Ethan's death. The one he left in the middle of the night after he'd nearly called her his name. The one who had no idea he'd dumped her on her ass before she could even realize she'd been a replacement.

 

He'd stopped thinking about Ethan ever since the first time he'd slammed his lips against Chase's. It had felt so right. He remembers late night drunken crying before bed....about how he'd moved on and felt guilty.

 

But he couldn't bring Ethan back. Because vengeance had been unfulfilling.

 

...But he could bring Chase back. Because Chase's death was the one thing in his life he couldn't let stick. The one mistake that he had to truly undo.

 

The blood on his hands he had to wash.

 

He fell back, his arm over his eyes. What a fucking asshole he was. Wasting Reiko's time. Hurting her feelings. That flashy show of affection. The kissing. The exchanges of Okaeri and Tadaima....

 

“...It's not home without you Chase....”

 

He'd get Chase back. No matter what.

 

 


End file.
